Vantage Point

Going the Extra Mile

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On the evening of Mother’s Day, I was driving home from New Jersey to New York when I came upon a spectacular traffic jam on the way to the George Washington Bridge. Countless cars and trucks were trying to merge from many lanes into a few, and it looked as though nothing up ahead was moving. I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to take the exit ramp on my right and try to find my way to the Tappan Zee Bridge.

I knew it might be chancy. Daylight was fading, and except for a few main highways, I’m not familiar with New Jersey roads. So when I circled off the exit ramp and saw a hotel—part of a national chain—almost in front of me, I pulled into the parking lot. Surely, I thought, there must be someone here who can give me directions.

I walked in, went up to a young man at the registration desk and explained my situation. He greeted me kindly and immediately went online to find the route to the Tappan Zee. He printed out the directions, went over them with me and walked me to the door of the hotel to point out the road leading to Route 80 West. I had no trouble finding the right roads all the way to the bridge. Except for a few minutes of slow-moving traffic, there were no delays. For this weary driver, that was a blessing. My trip home was far less taxing than it would have been if I had stayed in that traffic jam, and I felt so grateful to the young man who helped me.

The experience has stayed with me, and I thought about it again when I picked up one of my books the other day, a book I’d been thinking of discarding. It’s a 66-year-old guide to etiquette by Emily Post, doyenne of proper behavior and the author of best-selling etiquette books in the first half of the 20th century.

Now I think I’ll keep it.

The word “etiquette” sometimes draws put-downs as a code for elitism and snobbery, but to me, it means exactly the opposite. Etiquette is a great democratizer, a guide that enables anyone, of any background, to know the rules of behavior and act appropriately in any situation. It is rooted in respect for all people and for the customs that help society to function smoothly.

At the heart of etiquette is the same quality that the young man at the hotel manifested when he helped me: courtesy. I was not a hotel guest, only a passerby, but he could not have been more kind or helpful if I had been staying in a luxury suite. Granted, he is in the hospitality business and it’s his job to assist people, but still I felt that he went the extra mile.

A long time ago, I read a definition of courtesy that I especially like: Courtesy is the outer garment of charity. That puts courtesy close to virtue. It’s hard to practice charity—love of others for the love of God—and be discourteous at the same time. Moreover, to be courteous is to recognize the dignity of the human person, and the source of that dignity in God.

Our society could use more courtesy.

Of course, times change. We live in a more hectic world than Emily Post did; instantaneous communication seems to make life move more quickly. The demands of family responsibilities, work, school and activities leave us feeling constantly pressed for time. That leads to impatience, and it’s a short step from impatience to discourtesy.

I know from experience. Patience has never come easily to me.

So I’m thinking more these days about courtesy: about its relation to charity, and about how good it is to give other people the same respect I would like them to give to me. I figure if I keep practicing, I’ll get there.

Just as I got to the Tappan Zee, courtesy of the gentleman at the hotel desk.